Sometimes, I feel that I need to use some old timers’ terminology from the family to explain my feelings about the world around me. I remember my mother quoting the older generation of her family often when I was younger. My Mom, Anita, was a young mother for her time (she was married at 19, had me at 20, and my siblings at 22 and 24) but she has always had an older soul when it came to her phrases. My favorite was, “My nerves are shaky.”
I didn’t quite get what she meant by this until I became older and wiser. She was right, there are events that make you really feel like every nerve in your body is quivering, and you have to warn people before you have some kind of emotional outburst. My mother would usually say this phrase after we had “gotten on her last nerve” (another one of my favorite sayings by my dearest mother) or the stress of the world was almost too much to handle. People, events, lack of time, mishaps, and the uncertainty of what is to come next are things that made mother, and now me, nerves a little shaky.
My nerves are shaky for a couple reasons:
Last week was exams. A time where children have to show the information that they have learned in the past…5 months, and to display to school districts that they listened, they comprehended the information, and that they proudly are ready to display it for all the world to see. The complete opposite happens every year. I have students, who walk out, talking about how easy the exam was, come back the following week to see that they completely bombed each and every section of the exam. Of course, this means that the test was wrong, and so was the answer key, and so was the information that the teacher gave on the study guide, the power points, the whole semester. You see, everyone and everything is wrong, except the child. My nerves become shaky because I can’t comment the way that I want, because I am a professional and know that youth today what instant gratification, even if it is not earned. So now, after students have left the room and I have heard excuse after excuse of their poor performance, and whining for me to save them, I realized that my nerves are quite shaky.
This new book has my nerves shaking too, but in a good way. I am excited to see where this book takes me, and hope that it soars me to new heights as a writer, and, more importantly, as a person. I wonder what people will think of what I write down. I wonder what my family will think when they read the “steamy” poems (sorry Mom and Dad, but it’s a great topic to write about). I wonder if people will see me differently because I am now a published author. My nerves are working overtime, but I want to enjoy all the aspects of this grand opportunity. I want to have people frown at my choice of topics, to examine my perspective, to laugh at my imagery, to question our existence, and to have that moment of signing someone’s book to make it a cherished object of their affection. All of these thoughts have me working in overdrive emotionally, but I don’t mind my nerves being shaky with this.
My mother asked me this weekend if I wrote any negative poems about her. I told her I would never do that to her. You can’t do that to true inspirations. Plus, I different don’t want to make her nerves to start shaking.