Things that teachers hear…Part I

In one week, teachers can hear things you can’t imagine.

They have a zillion questions posed to them, piles of complaints, and odd events that are precious to the human ears. In just one week, I have heard and been asked so many odd things, that I have to write about a couple of them. So, for those who wonder what teachers deal with, or those are thinking of trying this profession, this is a sample of my week.

1. Event One: Papers are Due.

A funny event did happen while kids were turning in literary analysis papers. One of my beloved students needed his paper printed due to family issues, so he undid the velco of his flashdrive holder, laid it on my computer desk, and handed me his device. I, in turn, printed his paper, while fussing to him about being more prepared. Once I finished finding his file, I leaned over to grab the paper from my printer, and I handed him the flashdrive. He just stood there, with a bewildered look on his face.

“Kid, what’s the problem?”

“Ummm, I don’t want to do anything inappropriate Ms. Mathews, but my flashdrive holder is stuck to your shirt. I don’t want to reach in and take it off you, because I would have to feel you up. I don’t want you to get mad for reaching for your boobie…”

Yes, the velco was attached to my shirt, and indeed this child would have had to feel me up to take it back. I reached for it, ripped it off, and called him a gentleman for not going for first base. The classroom died with laughter.

Event #2-Cell Phone Addict:

Many of my students are addicted to their phones. One of the biggest mistakes of the school year was allowing kids to use phones between classes and at lunch. Somehow, the translation of this rule turned into, “students can use their phones during lectures, test, daily exercises, or any other time they feel is relevant.” One girl in my junior class, is very much addicted to her phone, and the class was trying to do an intervention.

“You guys want to know why I can’t put down my phone? Well, last year, a student took my phone and wouldn’t give it back. They had to call Coach Bill (the hall monitor of the building. Sidenote: Bill is also my best friend and my room mate. He has great stories, but that is for another time). Before Coach Bill could get there to search everyone, the kid decided to hide the phone IN HIS UNDERWEAR!”

My  students and I reeled back in horror at the idea. A child was so desperate for a phone that he had to take someone elses and place it in his drawers?! Gross!

One rather bright student, came up with the best follow-up question to her story.

“Did he make a private call?”

I was the only one to get his joke right away, and the two of us bent over in laughter. After he repeated his pun, others joined in giggling… except the addict. She found no humor in his cleaver line.

Quotes I have been asked this week?

Ms. Mathews…

“When are we going out on a date?”

“Where do you buy your hair?”

“When are we going to find you a man?”

“When did you learn about sex?”

“How long does it take to get a doctoral degree? How long? Naw, I’m not doing that.”

“Can we all go skydiving together?”

“Do we have to do ALL of this assignment?”

“Did my momma call you?”

“Can I turn in my paper (that was due on Monday) next week?”

“Why don’t you like me?”

“Do you think I’m childish?”

“What time do we get out of school?”

If a teacher was paid a quarter for each question they answered, they wouldn’t stress about money to pay for their additional credits.

This is just a small sampling of my day. This doesn’t include required meetings, teacher’s lounge talk, what kids say while passing my door in the hallways and at soccer practice.

And you wonder why teachers are always so tired…